It's been four months since Carter had his stroke, but I never stop thinking about it. I'm not "worried" as much as I just can't forget. I don't negatively dwell on it for hours-even minutes- at a time, it just comes into my mind throughout the day. Every time I nurse him, I think of the night; every time he cries out in the night to eat or otherwise, I think of that night. When I'm nursing him at night, I re-live moments of that night alone. I think about it when I watch him grab for things with his left hand, and when I see his arm drag a little when he army crawls and every time I pick him up and keep in mind which side I'm holding him on. Lately, it just feels like I'm thinking of it even MORE.
He is doing SO well; he's really progressing and I'm grateful, and I'm positive, and let him be a normal kid. I even make myself toss him in the air -which I never did to the other boys- as a way to reassure myself that he's not fragile and to force/help me to relax. But, sometimes it just gets a little overwhelming to think it all happened and isn't something that goes away. Sometimes I just want to break down and cry all over again -even though, he's okay. Is that weird?
This weekend there is an annual picnic for families affected by childhood stroke. (It's put on by Carter's neurologist) I am planning on going. I just want to talk to at least one other mom who has been exactly in my shoes. I want to hear their story and see their child. I just want to connect to another mom who feels this way. I'm trying not to get to anxious, but I really need to meet someone there. I am not a person who looses hope or focuses on the negative "what ifs" I have full faith that Carter will be amazing, and that no one will see a difference between him and any other kid. But, this thing is still on my mind. I wonder when the day will be when it isn't something I think about regularly.
And, I rarely talk about the stroke with anybody -other than the affects we're seeing and his progress. I don't want to sit there and cry and blub to somebody and conjure all the drama, so I just talk about the good stuff. But, I want to talk about the crazy night and how panicked I was even though I "held it together so well", and how physically tired I was that I couldn't even hold him much throughout the hospital stay and how badly I felt about that. I want to talk about the crazy EKG and how the guy wouldn't tell me anything and how I talked myself into thinking it was fine. I just want to get it all out, but there's never been the right time, or I just don't have the time. I want someone to ask me questions to help me get out the stuff I don't even know is in there. Sorry to anyone who reads this. I don't mean to be a downer; I just had to post this, because of the weight it's been on my chest lately. I can't wait to -hopefully- meet another mom and talk and maybe cry....a little.....or a lot.
4 comments:
I think you are a very positive person! You have every right to get all of that off your chest, & hopefully to someone who has been through the same thing!
Holly you are Amazing! Don't apologize for expressing how you feel.
Finding someone you can relate perfectly to is one of the greatest blessings. You are amazing and I hope that you find someone who you need right now. Love you.
I am a firm believer that if you don't go through the feelings, if you hold them at bay someway, they will wait until you face them. I hope you were able to find someone who could share your worry someway. I hope you met a child that has recovered amazingly well. I hope you were able to talk it out and clear the emotional well. Love you.
Man. You can cry to me any day. I will never think you are being crazy or weird. It was and is a hard thing.
Post a Comment